How to Write a Worst Seller in Ten Easy Steps
Image credit: Author, via Image Chef
I’ll be honest: this has not been the most productive two weeks for me, or for most people in the world. Each day, I’ve struggled to focus and have managed to take twice the time to get half as much work done as usual. I found myself stuck on this week’s post—for DAYS—and finally decided I was ready for some lightheartedness instead. Perhaps you are, too.
So I’m resurrecting a post I wrote for my old blog a few years back, because it still makes me laugh. When people think of having discretionary time, they often comment that they’ll “finally have time to write that book [they’ve] been meaning to write,” as if writing a book is as simple as sitting down with a few hours to spare, and getting it all down on paper.
Well . . . you technically can do that. It will be a book. It just probably won’t be a good book. But hey, there’s a lot of advice out there that you can follow. You just need to know who to listen to.
So many people are intent on telling you (or selling you) advice on how to write the next best seller. To make millions of dollars. To make millions of friends. To make millions bow to your greatness.
I may not know how to get you there, but here are my top ten bits of advice that, if followed, will practically ensure failure. In other words,
HOW TO WRITE A WORST SELLER IN TEN EASY STEPS
Warm up by telling all the writers you know that it's not that hard, and that you can do it better. In your sleep. By typing with only one hand. This is as good a preparatory exercise as stretching.
Set yourself a publishing date of two months from the day you sit down to start. I mean, really, it's just like telling a story, except you're writing it down. It can't take more than a week or so to get it all on paper.
Use as much slang as possible. You gotta be real, right? That's just the way people talk, and people who read your book either have to understand or they don't deserve to read it.
There's no such thing as too many exclamation marks! No! Such! Thing! It's the easiest way to convey excitement! No! It's the ONLY way to convey excitement!!!!!
You may have to explain every plot point more than once. Your readers have no idea what's going on unless you tell them, and what if they forget?
As each character enters the scene, list out their stats so your readers can immediately picture them. It would be terrible if they had the wrong mental picture of your people.
All your world-building should be done in the first chapter. Or better yet, your prologue. Just get it all out there in a lump. That way, you don't have to interrupt the story flow later.
Only have your friends read it before publishing, because "they'll be honest with me." And what do professional beta readers know that my friends don't know? Are you saying my friends are dumb?
Editors are for losers! Real writers write well enough that they don't need those bossypants Cat Ladies telling them librarian rules.
There's no reason why you can't make your own cover. MS Paint can do just as well as anyone who puts a picture and a few words together. Or what about that picture of the seven-legged horse your daughter drew? That's adorable. Everyone will agree, and if they don't, they're coldhearted, evil human beings and you don't want them reading your book anyway. They’re the same people who won’t like and share your heartfelt Facebook copy/paste statuses, and we know THAT type. Bad news all around.
Bonus points are added if you hurry up and publish before anyone can talk you out of it. Because you've just GOTTA get that book out to the world!
Besides, you can always make changes after your reviewers tell you what's needed.
HAPPY WRITING!
